They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe

I'm not sober all the time

2004-06-29T20:52:48Z

Title: I'm not sober all the time
Author:Benji-kins
Rating: PG-13 / R
Pairing: Unknown till the end
Summary: Sex. Lies. Slash. Other boyfriends.
Dedication: Just for kay <3

When we both got into this, we knew. I knew, he knew, it was nothing but plain, Casual sex. But really, is there such things as casual sex? Is making love really just an act of lust? Or is it more?

"Lay down." He snapped, undressing his friend, confidant, and band member.

"Don't hurt me please," The younger emo type of boy cried, helping, the one He'd love so long, undress him, have sex with him and then leave him alone again. "Please."

He smirked, he loved hearing him beg. It was just like every other time. He knew he loved it just as much as the strapping tattooed blonde did. That made it so much better. "Okay." He said, pushing him onto the bed, unbuckling his belt and pushing the sad emo boy onto the bed.

The younger boy smiled fakely up upon the toned, tattooed dream. Normally, he wouldn't have minded but tonight it seemed so dirty. So wrong. "Please, you don't have to do this."

He smirked, "But, don't you want me?" He twisted the easy forgiving younger boy. He enjoyed it maybe, The more innocent the better.

"Yes," The younger one choked, he knew what was coming. "Yes, sir." The older man smiled and climbed on top of the younger boy.

"That's a good boy." He laughed, kissing him with a passion yet with a sloppy, drunken, clumsiness, he seemed to always have.

"Why do you smell like alcohol, are you drunk?" The younger one asked, asking himself quietly why his dream man had to be drunk to want him. But he was ignored,
not that he was expecting an answer it just would have been nice. The only response he got was groping hands and unkind kisses. He knew what was coming, and he knew it would never last.

He gasped and pulled away as the blonde man groped the younger mans no longer virgin hole. "No please, give me a minute." He cried, tears welling in his eyes. He always hated this part.

"Oh, come on baby." The blonde one soothed, pulling him back into his arms and kiss, with a fake smile. The poor younger boy gave in and slowly made his way, back into his
'loving' arms, silently kicking himself. He always gave in. Always.

He smirked, it always works - ALWAYS. He reached back around and groped him again, Scissoring one then two fingers. The boy grunted and whimpered in pair. He hated this. He hated it all. When the boy stopped whimpering, the older boy pulled him on top of his lap, gliding forcefully yet stopping as if sorry for the pain.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." The older man sighed under his breath. The boy seemed as if being tore apart at the seems, closing his eyes and opening his mouth as if to cry. The older man pushed all the way in only to hear a scream and shudder erupt from the younger boy.

"Slow, please." The small boy whimpered, The older boy slowed, but kept a reasonable pace. Grabbing the younger boys butt for leverage. Kissing and feeling everywhere.
HE loved this.

The older boy quickened his pace as he saw stars, the younger boy panting and kissing up his chest moaning, the blondes name. The boys were both panting, feeling, touching, squeezing everywhere they could grab.

Pushing. Panting. Stars. Screams.

The younger boy shot his load onto to the both of them, followed by the older boy, sweat beading down the both of them. They stayed like that for a few minutes, just
staring at each other. As if looking at each other in a new way. There were a difference, yet a similarity in it all. But nothing ever changes.

"Do you love me?" Tony asked the dark haired angel sitting on his lap.

Jere smiled, grabbing for his clothes and pushed Tony's hair out of his face, "Perhaps." And with that, he left. To Tony and his thoughts and Jere sulking in his car on the way home, to his boyfriend.

"He'll be back." Tony cried. "He always comes back.." Tony called his boyfriend to come rescue him. He came as called, and laid in bed calming his distraught boyfriend. He loved him and didn't want anything bad to happen to him.

Jere went home, and crawled into bed, settling down with the man of his dreams, and his name was not Anthony Lovato. He nestled into a deep sleep, with a new aspects of love, lovers and respect for themselves.

So, is there really such a thing as casual sex? Maybe, but love lasts forever.

benji_kins @ 2004-05-11T06:18:00

2004-05-11T11:22:22Z

Yeah i know i been posting more random things than i have my story but i almost got this one done..theres more hot and steamy boy sex! (Paul/Billy if you must know) and yeah well im a review whore and i didnt get any last time..(Jere emo look) oh well i can always hope for next time..

you dont have to look at these so dont tell me that its bad their not human ;x

I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

I adopted a cute lil' gothy fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Sometimes I feel like going down, I'm so disconnected..

2004-05-04T06:25:31Z

Title: Loved by no one else
Starring: Jere/Lars;Jere/Tony;Joel/Tony (others also)
Rating: eh pg-13 for now..
Disclaimor: Don't own, didn't happen..bleh
Summary:So strange how he did those things to me, and i let him. So strange.
In a way were all like this, living from one bottle of Vodka to the next, its sad you know when you think you would give up your body for twenty dollars to keep you from starving.
So sad.
A/n: This is a very short chapter but good nonetheless, if you would like to read the next part review and I'll post, what can i say im a review whore.

When he smiles, its like the angels have risen down to pick me up.
He never was one to cry, show emotion or give off to much of a feel of who he was in less you knew him personally.
But, I knew who he was.

He was the world.

He cried, laughed, hated, loved and criticized.
By no means better than you or me,
He was Regular.
Amazing.
Joel.
His name even sounds amazing the way the vowels and consonants just roll off of your tongue.

I loved him, but he never knew.
I needed him but never told him.
My loss.

He would have found something about my skinny body wrong, I just know it.
Like my smile, its crooked. My skin, tattooed and bruised from one to many fights with Lars.
One to many.

He hit me that one last time and I couldn't take it anymore. Not one more time would he hit me.
Never ever, ever again. I didn't deserve it. No one does. So, I took care of it.
Lars is dead now. Dead to the world like my soul cast so lovingly in the shadows of ignorance and bliss, I've placed myself in.

I'm writing to you, whoever you are to tell you this.
Hell, I may be wasting my time and this shall never be discovered, but I don't think so.

I hope you do.
Find me.
Search my salvation.

I write to you, in hopes that you will listen to me.
That someone will care enough about Jeremiah Rangel to put away their petty differences, and listen to what i have to say.
Listen to me please. I wear this same hoodie everyday. Everyday i wear this same hoodie. I grow so tired of it.
The same letters, never changing never ceasing to mock me of what i cannot claim as my own stupid hoodie.

Me and Lars. We were so different. No one expected it, us i mean. No one.
Yet, we were the perfect match. He and I, both unnerved and carefree.

So strange how he did those things to me, and i let him. So strange.
In a way were all like this, living from one bottle of Vodka to the next, its sad you know when you think you would give up your body for twenty dollars to keep you from starving.
So sad.

Perfection through these years 20

2004-04-15T01:21:06Z

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- this ones for kay, cuz shes the only one who believes i can write slash
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

authors note- thanks for reading this far guys dont worry the storys almost over! BTW i promised a longer chapter but if i continue on where i planned it will ruin my beautiful cliffhanger.. muah<3

Paul took a turn driving, as they all headed downtown to the local police department only to be mobbed by a bunch of hormone driven twelve year olds.
They weren’t really in the mood for signing autographs so Chris told the kids to back off, acting as if he were their security guard, the least he thought he could do getting them all in this particular predicament. He felt rather proud when the kids took off towards the other end of the block ‘I’d make a pretty good security guy!’ He beamed in his mind, yet kept a straight solemn face when him and his friends walked up to the door of the San Francisco police department.

Billy sighed and grabbed Paul’s strong hand. “You ready?” He asked, a waver in his voice.

Paul sighed. “I guess, as ready as I’ll ever be.” He smiled and kissed Billy’s full lips. Billy blushed and smiled up at the strong, dominating man. Benji and Tony made it a nice quick session hiding from Chris as much as possible because they could see him blushing.

“I’ll miss you Tone,”

“I’ll miss you too benjikins,” The two joked but a bit of uncertainty filled both of their faces. Chris grabbed the door handle and opened the door, to the fives awaiting destiny.

They walked up to the desk of a man named Mr. Taylor Dawson. “Um, hello Mr. Dawson, I’m Chris Wilson, and this is Paul Thomas, Benjamin Madden, Tony Lovato, and Billy Martin.” Chris began a bit of a quiver in his voice, “And we saw on TV that we were in trouble with the law.” he fidgeted at his last words.

“Why, yes you are Mr. Wilson. But I’m going to help you out of it.” He smiled and took the glasses off his face and laid them carefully down on the table.

“How much trouble are we in exactly. On TV they were talking like we held up a band and shot everyone.” Paul asked gripping Billy’s small hand in anticipation. Benji just nodded and rapped his foot against the floorboards, suddenly unable to stop moving. Tony slightly stepped on his foot getting him to calm down and listen.

Mr. Dawson chuckled softly and held onto the elastic of his pants, “Those news people always have a way of pitching things out of proportion. Especially with you famous folk,”

Benji blushed as he become conscious that Mr. Dawson had heard of them, possibly from his daughter or so. Tony caught his anxiety and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, and asked Mr. Dawson if they could step outside into the bathroom for a quick moment.

“Why be my guest, just don’t run away I still need you here!” Mr. Dawson laughed quietly as if it was the funniest thing. Billy, Paul, and Chris exchanged glances as the two walked out of the room.

(Tony ; Benji)

The two made their way to the bathroom and felt on each others growing erections, there was something about being the bad boys that made them want to do bad things to the bad boys.

Benji grunted once they hit the bathroom stall, he had Tony pushed up against the wall and was harshly grinding his aching member against Tony’s growing erection.

Benji grunted, “Tony, you’ve been a bad boy and you know what I want to do to that certain bad boy?”

“What?” Tony rasped, Benji’s grinding finally pushing him over, at the brink of coming. Benji caught Tony’s excitement and grabbed the brim of his shirt bottom ripping it off violently but not enough to rip it, they still had to go out in public anyways. Tony threw his head back and moaned at Benji’s grinding

“I’m going to fuck you so hard your kids will feel it!” Benji rasped and undid his and Tony’s pants in a matter of seconds. Tony who was not used to being the helpless one, but was enjoying Benji’s spur of the moment dominance.

“And if I don’t let you?” Tony rasped erotically into Benji’s ear.

“Then I guess I’ll have to make you.” Benji cried into Tony’s ear causing him to shiver and smile wearily, he pulled Tony’s boxers down and jerked him off hard and painfully causing Tony to moan out in pleasure and pain.

“Pain is pleasure then, pain is pleasure” Tony cried and ripped Benji’s boxers down to the floor, grabbing his obviously painful erection. Benji moaned in pleasure and sped up on Tony’s member causing him to ram hard into the separator of the stall. Tony speeded his hand up to match Benji’s and soon they were screaming each others name and coming into each others hands and the stalls.

Benji turned over the panting Tony and centered himself at his opening and pushed in hard not letting him adjust, pulling out and ramming back into him.

“TELL ME YOU WANT IT!” Benji shrieked into Tony’s ear.

“I WANT it!” Tony yelped into Benji’s ear, he continued to ram hard into Tony until his insides were burning again, at the brink of coming he grabbed Benji’s neglected erection and jerked him off harder than ever though possible by the two, the kinky-ness of being caught got them both caught up in the moment.

Benji and Tony screamed each others name in the brink of orgasm Benji coming heavily into Tony’s built frame, and Tony’s member spilling out into the bathroom stall. The two panted and looked back at each other tongues exploring once more before grabbing their pants and making a clean get away.

(Billy ; Paul ;Chris)

“I wonder where those boys are they’ve been gone for a good twenty minutes!” Mr. Dawson smiled. Billy and Paul just looked at each other and glanced at the uneasy Chris. This wasn’t going to be easy to explain..

Perfection through these years - 19

2004-04-05T00:58:40Z

Perfection through these years - 18

2004-03-24T04:01:56Z

HOLY HELL I HAVENT UPDATED IN FOREVER

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

Chris frantically knocked on Rachel’s door, “Rach, RACH!” He screamed.

“Huh? What? Chris? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU KNOCKING ON MY DOOR AT 10AM?!” A very drunk person called from the living room.

“Take Kay and stay here till I come back don’t let anyone in the house, do you understand?” Chris told her firmly glaring at her.

“Yeah, but why” She asked.

“Because he came after her again.”

“Oh fuck, ok we wont go anywhere.”

“Good.” He replied before walking out the door with nothing more to say.

(In the car Billy ;Benji ;Chris; Paul ;Tony)

“Chris I think you need to tell us what’s going on.” Paul asked firmly from behind the backseat, He’d remained quiet long enough.

“It’s this guy, Kay’s ex-boyfriend. He loved her, and she broke up with him and has been after her ever since.”

“Who is he? Do we know him?” Tony asked shyly grabbing onto Benji’s hand.

“Yeah you know that conniving bastard. Its Chuck. He makes me so sick.” Chris continues, hate growing with every breath. Mumbling things under his breath.

“Fuck,” Paul sighed from the back, “I always thought Chuck was a nice kid.”

“Well you were wrong.” Chris spat. They rode in silence until they reached a light gray and brick house, on the edge of Terrance street.

“Is this it?” Tony asked quietly, gripping Benji’s hand with more force. Billy pushed his car door open with force, causing Tony to jump a little, he caught himself before anyone else could see.

“Yeah.” Chris mumbled. Paul got out and stood beside Billy, he flinched but made no more movement when he realized who it was.

Chris ran up the stairs followed by the other four men who stood by their new found friend as if he were their most trusted soul mate. He knocked forcefully loud onto the door, screaming Chuck’s name. No answer. He knocked again and pushed the door open. He ransacked the living room and headed to the bedroom, where he found Chuck sitting there as if he were waiting.. just waiting. His fingers laced and perched upon the desk behind which he sat.

“Christopher.” He spat, his face contorting into and evil grin at his every word. “How nice, you even brought company.” Billy grumbled slightly till Benji grabbed his shoulder. Chris jumped at the man and hit his jaw with force enough to crack it.

“I cant believe you did that to Kay! You sick bastard! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Chris screamed continuing to beat the smaller man. Billy joined in and kicked him once and then again.

“Guys, you can’t kill him!” Tony snapped from the back. Benji just glared at Chuck. Who by now had bruises, and you could tell his jaw and nose were broke. Chuck got a few good hits in and gave Billy a black eye, but he wasn’t about to take that. He Hit him hard in his already broke jaw and he stopped. Laid down and rendered himself unconscious. Paul and Benji pulled Chris and Billy both off the unconscious man, now bloodied and bruised.

“We got to leave before someone walks in.” Tony sighed from the back, all his manliness seemed to have drained along with his color is Italian skin, now pale.

Benji and Paul pulled both the men whose weight didn’t seem as strong as they were now, down to the car and pushed them both in. Tony got into the drivers seat and just drove, not knowing where to go just going.

Into the darkness

2004-03-09T03:59:48Z

Title: Into the darkness
Author: benji-kins
Pairing: Benji ; Joel (Good Charlotte) Matt (Mest)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This never happened
Type: Death fic (i guess ?)
Dedication: To everyone who reads this
Summary:“When someone says the word ‘love,’ what comes to mind? I husband and wife? A woman and man? Two people who would do anything for the other? Yeah well, my sort of love is different. I love him, he should love me. That’s how it is. That’s how it should be. But he doesn’t he doesn’t love the closest person to him. Me. His brother. His twin. Some people find it wrong I love my brother like this. I don’t care.”

Author's Note: This is actually a good story, i got the urge to write something unfarmiliar,tell me what you think about it

*At the trial*

So please Mr. Madden, in your own words tell us about everything that went on.

“When someone says the word ‘love,’ what comes to mind? I husband and wife? A woman and man? Two people who would do anything for the other? Yeah well, my sort of love is different. I love him, he should love me. That’s how it is. That’s how it should be. But he doesn’t he doesn’t love the closest person to him. Me. His brother. His twin. Some people find it wrong I love my brother like this. I don’t care.”

“Didn’t you see anything wrong with this? I mean he was your brother.” Paces around the courtroom, hands behind his back.

“Did I stutter?, no I didn’t think so.”

“Mr. Madden there’s no reason to be so feisty.” Annoyed look on face still pacing the floor.

“Really? No reason huh? I’m in prison, because I love someone.” Smirks at the lawyer.

“Mr. Madden, to be quite fair that was a healthy amount of charges you had.” He spat.

“Yeah I guess it was, but love makes you do crazy things.” He smirked playing with the inside of the stand.

“Really? Tell us about what happened that night.”

“OK, I will and then, maybe you’ll understand.”

*flashback*

It was about 6 p.m. on Friday night. The air humid and sweaty. “Paul, have you seen Joel I need to talk to him about last night.” Benji asked, Paul lost in thought.

He pulled out of his thought and said, “Oh, yeah he was with Matt last time I saw him.” He smiled softly to Benji, he knew.

“Oh,” Benji sighed. “You know where they are don’t you?” Benji asked a tone of jealousy and disappointment in his voice.

“I don’t think you want me to answer that do you Benji?” Paul sighed in grief and boredom, he hated when he saw Benji like this is liked to tear him up and annoy him. If it wasn’t Benji he probably would slap the poor boy.

“Nah, thanks anyways Paul but I’m going to see him wither he wants me to or not.” Benji said stomping his foot as he went to find his keys in the kitchen. He kicked around a few of the shirts and random objects on the floor and cursed under his breath. “Fuck, this is dumb!” He threw his keys back-and-forth in his hands and took off to his car in a huff.
He got into his Nissan XTERRA and turned up a saves the day song as loud as it will go, Sell my clothes I’m off to heaven, his favorite song. He screamed the verse,
tears streaming down his face, he wiped away the ones unwillingly coming down his face. ‘This was not fair,’ He thought, he had to make it fair.

“If I could only see you now,
For about an hour, maybe just a minute
Just to ask what he’s got that I don’t have?”

He pulled into Matt’s driveway, grabbed the gun from the glove compartment and went to bang on the door, he had the gun, he had the nerves and he was willing.

“GODDAMMIT, OPEN THE DOOR!” Benji screamed the tears beginning to stream his face again sweat beading down his face.

“What, man what the fuck?!” Matt screamed at Benji who had almost beat a hole into his door.

“Where is he?, WHERE IS HE?” Benji screamed, Joel ran out to the door clad in boxers and one sock.

“Dude, what do you want?” Joel screamed angrily.

“I can’t believe you.” He replied hate spiking his voice.

“Why not Benji? You’re a fling a good time?” Joel yelled running into the house trying to grab his other clothes, Matt sat his shock and horror as the two men verbally fought with each other.

“You don’t mean that Joel, your only saying it because ‘He’s’ here!” Benji spat in Matt’s direction.

“No, Benji you and me we would never, could never work. Its just as simple as that.” Joel screamed a silent tear running down his face. Matt still stood dumbstruck as Benji looked as if he would breakdown or shoot someone.

“But, Joel you love me, I love you and law can’t define love.” Benji squeaked.

“Yes, it can Benji. And I don’t love you like that anymore. I can’t love you like that anymore. I’m sorry.” Benji stood in shock and Matt made a jump for the telephone
And Benji pulled out the gun from his pocket.

“Move again and I swear to god no ones leaving this room again.” Benji bawled once again wiping the tears from his eyes.

“Whoa, Benji calm down, I swear I’ll listen just let Matt go.” Joel asked calm and steadily.

“No, he’s the reason were here don’t you understand Joel? You were suppose to love me!” Benji shrieked, and with that he shot one of the 6caliber bullets into Matt, then another and then another. Time seemed to stand still as he shot Joel one time, Joel collapsed onto the floor grabbing at his wound and giving Benji the most pained expression, Benji smiled and towered over his creation. Perfect. He smiled down at his creation, that beautiful being who he now owned, he’s mine. He thought to himself smiling down at the whimpering sorry excuse of a human being. He smiled evilly grinning to himself. Mine all mine.

* end flashback *

“ If I give him all I have.. Would he give me all he had? Would it matter if I loved him, like no one else loved him? We could have been the perfection solution to the perfect problem, but he couldn’t let me love him? Could he? Always scared of others opinions. Never enough time or me. Never. I loved him, and what did I get? Nothing. I got nothing and now him? He is nothing.”

“So, your admitting that you involved in incest, two counts of murder in the first degree and harassment?”

“Well, if loves a crime, lock me up.”

What good charlotte slash pair are you?

2004-02-29T20:14:31Z

You're Billy and Joel. You're probably the most
fucked up couple of gay guys ever. Billy would
be sweet and innocent if Joel didn't completely
corrupt him. You love each other, just in some
really twisted way.

What Good Charlotte slash pairing are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

yeah i know it has nothing to do with any of my storys but this is just funny ;]

Practice

2004-02-27T13:10:47Z

Title- Practice
Author- benji_kins
Pairing- Chris/Benji/Joel
Summary- Chris can't seem to get practice right so Benji and Joel take it open themselves to 'fix things'
Dedication- _flawed_mind
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up. *sigh*

Warning. Contains m/m, a bit o' bondage ; but whats wrong with that? ;]

It seemed just another band practice when Chris the new drummer for Good Charlotte, was totally confused, screwing up the rhythms to his drums, fumbling all the beats. He was confused over the tiniest thing, but what would follow would be something he would never forget for the rest of his life..

“Awe, come on Chris, we have to practice to get everything right for our big show on Tuesday.” Billy ranted in Chris’s direction but wasn’t really talking to anyone. Paul just nodded and retried the rhythm he’d been working on. Benji eyed Joel who was looking from Chris back to Benji, a mischievous grin coating his pouty lips.

“Ok, lets play ‘Say anything’ ok? OK!” Paul yelled to a crowd of bored teenagers who defiantly weren’t listening very well, so he just started to play, his plan worked and they all came in on time. He smiled thinking to himself that he’d taken control of the situation. They finished the song good enough to work on the set one more time. The twins continued their mischievous smiles glancing at Chris then back to each other, laughing and lip reading everything the other would say. The others didn’t notice but it was starting to bug Chris.

“Guys, we can’t be doing this all night ! I have to get to Kassie’s house before nine, see I have a life and I’d like to continue on with it while I still have hair!” Paul half-heartedly threatened. They all smiled and Billy nodded, Paul trying to threaten them was highly amusing.

“Hmm Well I got to get out of here too, and meet Jordan.” Billy smiled and licked his lips, a since of urgency in his voice. Benji and Joel once again glanced back and forth and back to Chris, he was becoming very, very irritated, “What are they thinking?” He thought to himself, twirling his drum sticks in agitation from being laughed at.

“Well I cant keep Paul from Kas and Billy from Jordan, maybe we should just finish band practice tomorrow.” Benji smiled, running his tongue lightly over his lip ring, enjoying the metallic taste he’d grown so use to tasting.

“Good,” Billy giggled. “I wanted to fix my hair anyways!” He laughed and slowly put away his prized possession, with extreme caution. Paul had already packed his bass, grabbed his keys and headed up the stairs to the door. “Bye!” He managed before slamming the door on his way.

“No time for hair doing, we need to talk to Chris, Why not just do your hair at Jordan’s?” Joel stammered attempting to get Billy out of the house soon.

“Yeah,” Benji began. “We need to talk to Chris; and besides your hair looks really good!” Benji smiled putting on the best ‘you-look-great’ cheesy smiles. Chris stood by the door and slowly inched that way, trying to make himself unnoticed.

“Ok,” Billy laughed. “It looks good enough.” He smiled, grabbed his keys and walked out the door. “bye Chris.” He smiled patting him on the back and skipping out the door.

“Bye Billy,” Chris sighed he thought to himself that he was so close to getting out the door. “Well, what do you want.” He sighed looking back at the twins, they smiled and crooked their fingers for him to follow, reluctantly he did but didn’t let his guard down for one minute. He followed them down to the basement, and he had no idea what was to come.

“Well Chris, Welcome.” Joel voiced in what he thought to be lust.

“Dude, what’s going on?” Chris asked a little shaky, but was stopped from continuing by Benji’s lips crashing into his own, Benji’s tongue making its way into Chris’s unsuspecting mouth. Chris stood there stunned in shock and excitement, He had to admit they were hot. Benji released Chris from his infectious lip lock leaving Chris with a small moan of protest. Benji licked the inside of his tongue ring again, all three of their excitements growling rapidly. “He even tastes good!” Benji licked his lips and smiled to Joel who had indeed enjoyed that kiss almost as much as they did. Chris blushed apparently they had wanted this for alone time, secretly he had too.

Joel reached in to kiss Chris just as Benji had, but Benji grabbed him. “No, not yet.” He grinned seductively. Chris still stood in shock and mumbled incoherently. The twins lead him over to the bed and laid him down.

“Now, lets get rid of those pesky clothes.” He eyed every detail and crevice of Chris’s tall, lanky frame. Joel smiled and pulled off his socks, shoes, and pants. Benji had his shirt off already looking longingly at both Chris and Joel. Chris’s lips were flushed and full from earlier with Benji. Benji nipped at Chris’s bottom lip causing it to bleed and him to yelp in pain.

Joel went over to the side drawer in the other side if the room catching his breath because he was defiantly enjoying himself. He reached in and grabbed a shiny pair of silver cuffs and a black blindfold, he got a little more turned on hearing Chris’s yelps from Benji biting the inside of his lips causing blood.

“Benji, get off him, its my turn!” Joel snickered making his way back to Chris pushing Benji off and crawling on top of him. Their tongues crashing, hands touching and feeling wherever they please. Joel pulled away from the flushed and panting Chris. He reached for his pocket and grabbed the blindfold, pulling on the blindfold and adjusting it just right, Chris moaned as Benji started to rub him through his boxers, Joel returning to his mouth reached for his other pocket to get his personal favorite item. Cuffs. Chris didn’t object when Joel grabbed his hands clicking them to the bed posts one by one, never once breaking the rough, messy kiss.

Benji slid Chris’s boxers off, as soon as he found out he was secured, licking his lips, he grabbed Chris’s throbbing member and screamed at him. “ Bitch, do you want it, huh, do you want me to fuck you hard?!” Chris whimpered as Benji tightened his grip on him. Benji smiled and Joel continued to fuck his mouth. Hard.
Chris whimpered again as Benji smacked the inside of his thighs with brute strength. Joel smiled and bit the inside of Chris’s bottom lip causing him to jump a little. He had no idea what was going to happen next but he was liking where it was going.

Benji let go of Chris’s member and reached over to grab something he had hidden away, a whip. HIS favorite thing. He smiled and screamed more obscenities at Chris and Joel now too. He screams to Chris “ You’re my little whore aren’t you, You want me to cum in your ass and have Joel lick it off. don’t you, you little cocksucker!”

“Yes!” Chris screamed pushing Joel’s tongue out of his mouth, wincing in pain as Joel smacked him.

“Yes sir, bitch!” Joel spat.

“YES SIR” Chris screamed as Benji hit him hard with the whip.

“Like that did you?” Benji laughed. “Well your ours now, and if you try and get away you’ll pay.” Joel nodded in bemusement and went back to cramming his tongue down his throat, unzipping his jeans now. He got his shirt off and then turned around to Benji taking his shirt off and kissing him hard and violent the way Benji liked it. He ripped his shirt off and bit Benji’s hard nipples from being exposed to the cold air. He moaned in ecstasy as he grabbed the whip again and hit Chris again, Joel and Chris moaned in unison, causing Benji’s already throbbing member to pulse heavily against Joel’s back.

Benji released himself from both of their grasps and went over to the back to grab another toy, another whip.

Joel rid himself of his boxers and demanded Chris suck him yelling obscenities at him. “Take me Bitch, want me to cum down your throat? Huh? You’d like that bitch wouldn’t you?” Chris nodded and taking Joel’s member into his warm mouth, he had a certain expertise and rhythm going that forced Joel to voice his pleasure. “Oh, FUCK!” he screamed and Benji smacked Chris across the face with his newest whip. Chris whimpered and was going to moan but wasn’t about to so that, he knew what would happen. Benji frowned because he knew that Chris wasn’t going to moan for him and let him use his precious whip once more.

“Chris, you fucker you better moan for me or I’ll have to hurt you!” Benji grunted smiling to himself what Chris didn’t know is he was going to hurt him either way.
Chris gave in and moaned his breath lost trying to get anything, he hadn’t been able to breath thanks to Joel’s throbbing member, he finally gagged out a breath and that was enough to send both of them into their own heaven. Joel shot his load down Chris’s throat and Joel screamed, Benji smacked him with the whip.

“Don’t scream without me, I think its about time to hurt him.” Benji smiled, and looked into his mirror image. Joel’ face still contorted but coming down from his orgasm. Benji hit Chris and then Joel over again once more, screaming into a sick oblivion from all of their screams.

Benji snapped out of his tortuous ‘spell’ for long enough to line his hips with his and pushed in fast and hard, he wanted to hear him scream make him want the whip. Joel took Benji’s whip and started to hit each of them every once in awhile, jacking himself off quickly. Chris screamed at Benji’s forced entry, dry, painful and faster than his brain could function. Benji moaned about Chris’s tight hole and pumped hard into him deepening with every thrust.
“Oh GOD,” Joel moaned. He grabbed onto Benji’s thighs and thrust into him deeply hitting his spot immediately, pumping harder and harder until they all three cummed at the same time the twins screaming each others name Chris just screaming random things. The three collapsed into each other laying in a pile of blood, cum and sex.

“that was great..” Chris began but was cut off by Benji, who kissed him on the lips
“Maybe I should mess up practice some other time.”

benji_kins @ 2004-02-25T21:48:00

2004-02-26T04:00:14Z

Title- I feel so.
Author- benji_kins
Pairing- Tom/Travis
Genre-Songfic
Dedication-uh this is for someone..you yeah you.
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.( the story part atleast lol )

< a/n- i love blink and if this is unexcepted in here, then just delete it ;] >

“Travis, COME BACK!” I scream running out of breath as I wake up to you not being there. Wow Trav, I really miss you . I’m so, so sorry for acting the way I did, I was such an asshole. I hate myself when your not around. You make me better. It wasn’t fair and I wish you would come home. Please just come home.

Sometimes I wish I was brave,
I wish I was stronger,
I wish I could feel no pain,
I wish I was young,
I wish I was shy,
I wish I was honest,
I wish I was you not I.

I’m sitting here trying not to think about you but you make it so damn hard. Your everywhere, on the bed, in my sheets, on my clothes, your hair is still in my sink. I wanted to clean it all up but when I tried it made me think, ’What if he comes home and all this is not the same?’ You always were one for the regularity and normalness. That’s why your gone I went and screwed it all up I’m so sorry. Please, Lets start over.

Cause I feel so mad,
I feel so angry,
I feel so callused,
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap, So used, unfaithful
Let's start over Let's start over

If I could fix me I would. Fix me for you. For Us. But I will always be ,
Imperfect Tom.
I wish I had power to own the world so no one would care who we are, or what were doing. Just run away with me Trav, lets run away.

Sometimes,
I wish I was smart,
I wish I made cures for How people are,
I wish I had power, I wish I could lead,
I wish I could change the world,
For you and me

I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to use you. I didn’t mean to give our secret away. I feel so cheap now, used. I don’t know who I hurt worse you or me. I’m so sorry.

'Cause I feel so mad,
I feel so angry, I feel so callused,
So lost, confused, again,
I feel so cheap So used, unfaithful,
Let's start over Let's start over,

I feel so mad,
I feel so angry,
I feel so callused,
So lost, confused, again,
I feel so cheap,
So used, unfaithful,
Let's start over Let's start over

Tom added a note at the bottom of the page reading.. ’I cant describe how much I miss you so. I love you Travis, and so I wrote you this song please come home soon.’

Tom then folded the note and put it in his pocket and was off to his beloved Travis’ funeral.

With one last sigh he reached in left his note in Travis’ cold hands and slowly began to hum the words to his lover. Just one last time.

‘Cause I feel so mad,
I feel so angry,
I feel so callused,
So lost, confused, again,
I feel so cheap So used, unfaithful
Let's start over Let's start over

I feel so mad,
I feel so angry,
I feel so callused,
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap So used, unfaithful,
Let's start over Let's start over

I'm so sorry

2004-02-24T13:28:56Z

Title- I'm So Sorry
Author- benji_kins
Pairing- Joel/Benji
Genre- Poem
Dedication- you_dont_prefer / kay

a/n i dunno i like it how 'bout you?

I’m so sorry.
I feel like I've lost you forever,
my shining stay broken and dim lit,

I swallow my pride,
hoping the tears won't fall,
holding someone else's hand,
But I’m really thinking of you.

You said you loved me,
but nothing seemed complete.

I wished you loved me,
but just because you say it doesn’t mean its true.

I never wanted to hurt you,
Watch and see the sadness in your eyes
But their hollow with a smile,
because I’m no longer around.

You continue on with life,
What you didn't know is,
You were my first love and one I shall never forget.

When you think about me,
If you still do,
please don’t hate me because I love you
You were my best friend,
first love but never kissed.
Now, I’m trapped behind something I cant forget.

You let me feel like I needed you,
like you should be my only one,
but you never finish what you start,
leaving me with no one.

I trusted you with everything
right down to my darkest secret
But you still never got it.

Now, I’m with someone new
Trying to get rid of my pain
Masking me, masking you.

All alone.

I’m so sorry.

Perfection through these years - 17 -(Joels P.O.V)

2004-02-17T06:40:40Z

This is the best chapter yet i think; i really liked it and if you dont like nor read my story then why are you reading my disclaimor ;x

this is not intended to piss anyone off when Joel kinda makes fun of 'emo' kids hes just a rather 'no touchyfeely' kinda guy so yeah.

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

Joel rolled over and fell onto the floor with a loud ‘thud.’ “God dammit!” He yelled cursing at the air, he laid on the ground screaming for someone to pick him up, but he kicked the only one who would help him up out. He looked over at the drawers, random clothes everywhere.

“Benji left the house in such a mess, that prick.” He thought aloud to himself, mumbling random things that were Benji’s fault. Benji’s fault it rained, Benji’s fault he was alone, Benji’s fault the trees died in the winter. Its all Benji’s fault.

He kicked the drawers as he got up to see the moon still shining bright. “If I wasn’t pissed this could have been pretty.” He thought to himself. DAMN why the hell am I thinking like this, that’s so fucking gay, your no homosexual Joel Ruben Madden. None at all! He smacked his forehead and rolled his eyes. He gave up on picking on himself, so he went for a shirt that probably hadn’t been washed in a month, he stuck his nose up in disgust, (Uncleanness was not high on Joel’s priority list.) he held the shirt like it was a leper and threw it at the clothes hamper.

He walked into the kitchen to satisfy the hunger he hadn’t realized he had.
He felt around for the light switch, flipped it on and squinted not ready for the light to be so bright. “Damn..” He mumbled to himself, shaking his head. He pulled at the door to the pantry and it was stuck, stuck. He was trying to think of ways to blame this on Benji to. Inevitably everything was Benji’s fault damn him, ALL HIS FAULT. Joel screamed and pounded the hell out of the door. “GOD DAMMIT I HATE YOU TONY I HATE YOU!!” Suddenly changing from everything being Benji’s fault to Tony’s he had Benji. And that just was not fair. He calmed himself down and walked to the table and sat down. This was way to much to think about.

He banged his head on the table and clinched his fist. He wasn’t the one to be this emotional “Don’t be such a emo kid!” He always remembered saying to everyone who showed emotion. He banged his head repeatedly on the table, and missed the last time hitting his temple on the edge of the table. He moaned and yelled at the air again. “Dammit, I’m going back to bed!” He yelled at the empty house. He got all pissy and stormed off to his bed where he laid for an hour before he drifted off into a dream, one that could change everything.

*Joel’s Dream*

Benji, he’s just so pretty. Everything I cant have, everything he can. He frowned at the thought of Tony. Oh how he hated Tony, hated him with vengeance.
And one day he was going to fix it all, today he would fix it all.

Tony walked up to Joel smiling that smile with the fake look of happiness, it made me sick. “Joel, hey man what’s up.”

“Nothing now.” Joel smirked and hit him over the head with a large rock, causing Tony to crash to the ground. Joel admired his work. Its what he deserved, He thought to himself. He brought it on himself. He looked around the corner to see Benji, He’d be waking soon. Wonderful.

He clicked on all the locks, securing Tony to the floor Benji will have no choice now, he loves me. And now he’ll know it.
He’ll love me and then we can get rid of this scum, he’s so beautiful why must he ruin it for me? He sighed and stood up staring at the body on the floor, then he kicked him, and again and again till his foot hurt. Tony’s blood was pooling around him and he moaned softly, determined not to let Joel get the satisfaction he wished.
Joel kicked him one more time in his chest causing the already forming bruise to swell larger. He laughed at this, “Stupid cretin, its your fault you’re here.” Tony just laid there, staring off into his own world acting as if nothing was happening.

Benji rubbed his eyes and walked into the room, running up to what he thought was Tony. He was wrong, oh so wrong. Benji got the idea that he wasn’t Tony and looked confused and a little bit shocked, running over to that cretin he ‘loves’ so much. Why cant he love me? Joel spat at the ground. Benji yelped something about wanting him to help him. Not on your life dear brother. Joel told him to get up or it was Tony’s problem and oh how he wanted to hurt Tony but not right now. He got up reluctantly and followed his brother who had now pulled out the pistol that he had in his hands, who were now shaking involuntarily But with the promise that Tony would remain safe, for now at least. Joel snickered and led Benji to the bedroom from were he had woken a few moment ago.

When they reached the bedroom Joel watched Benji sag into the floor, with lust in his eyes. He yelled a few obscenities that surprised even him but he was driven into the direction that he was going to go and not Tony, not Benji, not god himself was going to stop him. Benji was his.

He ordered Benji from his sunken state and pushed him onto the bed rough with an grabbed at his pockets to retrieve the shiny metal substance that would ensure that Benji was his. Benji closed his eyes as he felt the cold metal crashing with his skin. Joel watched a awkward smile pasted on his face, both of amusement and of sorrow, why must he have to take Benji’s love? Benji squirmed under Joel’s touch his hands more clammy than usual after he had him. He grabbed the scissors and ripped Benji’s shirt off. Tearing everything he could to paw at the helpless Benji. He didn’t want him like this. Not this way. Everything blacked out

*end dream*

Joel woke up body shaking and a single tear shedding down his face. He looked grief-stricken at the picture on his side table, of a happy set of perfect mirrored images and fell back onto his bed, sending his picture crashing to the ground. This was anything but fair.

“I HATE YOU BENJIMAN MADDEN I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!” He screamed at every essence of Benji. “Its not fair, not fair!!” he stood up, slamming his fist to the walls sending all Benji’s pictures crashing to the floor. He let the small trickle of tears turn into helpless sobs without trying to. He was not good enough for Benji that’s all there was. Not good enough. He fell to his knees picking up one of Benji’s pictures, letting his hand trace the end of the glass, shattered like his heart. He picked up a piece and slowly slid it up and down his arms tracing a star. Just like the one on Benji’s shirt, just like Benji.

He washed up his bloody mess, but left the glass and headed back to the kitchen, he grabbed the kitchen phone and started to dial Billy. But he couldn’t Billy could never know. Never ever. He looked over at the clock it was about 7a.m. so he gave up on whatever he was planning on doing and went back to lie on his bed and think about his dreams.

About three hours later Billy called. He wanted so bad to just tell Billy all his problems and then be done with it. But then again no, Billy can never know not ever. He’d loose his best friend. Billy started right in yelling about Tony and what he said. I know its not right but dammit Billy you have no idea! I yelled at him and he hung up on me I was kind of blacked out but clicked off anyways, I felt the anger rise in me again only to be overcome by the depression that swallowed my existence. Again with the emo shit. Goddamn, I need a psychiatrist.

Perfection through these years - 16

2004-02-13T03:05:24Z

Ok dangit. that was SO not cool xp it italic'd my whole chapter 12 (censor) bloody..(censor)(censor).ok im a little better..(CENSOR) ;]
ox;kaye

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

(Billy ; Paul ; Tony ;Benji ; Kay)

“Billy!” Paul screamed seeing him holding the waitress whose clothes were torn and had a few bruises on her arm.

“What the fuck happened?” Paul screamed panicking.

“Dude, dude calm down. She’s ok.” Billy soothed him.

“Chris, I need Chris!” She whispered to Billy.

“Move guys.” Billy laid Kay on the booth were the boys had been sitting, laying her head on his lap.

“Benji, do me a favor. Go find the manager and ask them to find Kay’s friend Chris.” Billy said concern clouding his face. Benji nodded in agreement.

“I’m going with you.” Tony yelled as Benji turned around nodding and taking off towards the back room, Tony bounding close behind.

“Do you know who that was?” Billy sighed calmly to the grief stricken girl barely 17 years old.

“I think so, but can you find Chris? He’ll know.” She looked off into her own world and kind of passed out.

(Benji ;Tony)

“Um someone? HELP!” Tony screamed, pressing the button to ring for a manager or something he didn’t know but hey he wanted someone’s attention. A shot balding man came through the opening in the hallway.

“Geez, you ring that bell enough?” He said teasing the very fumbled Tony, who had finally stopped ringing the bell.

“Kay..-we-need-to-find-chris-only-he-can-help-the-guy-go-there-and-she-needs-help-help-her-get-Chris!” Tony stammered in one breath. Benji grabbed his hand and told him to calm down.

“Um, sir do you know anyone named Chris, this waitress was attacked and my friend saved her. She’s yelling for someone named Chris and I need to find him. Now.” Benji cringed as Tony dug his fingernails in anticipation.

“Chris- CHRIS! Kay got into a accident, get your ass out here!” The old man who by his nametag said Trey yelled at the stranger who the boys had been looking for.

“What- who are you and where’s Kaye?” Concern clouded this young mans face, who they took to be Chris.

“Come with us, well explain on the way.” Tony nodded running back threw the hallways.

“OK,” Chris yelled from behind, catching up quick. “Is she alright?”

(Billy ; Paul ; Kay)

“Kay, sweetie you have to wake up you cant fall asleep ok?” Billy sighed trying to keep Kay from falling back out of consciousness shaking her lightly.

“Is she going to be ok?” Paul winced looking over her torn clothes, taking off his jacket and laying it on top of her so no one will notice.

“I don’t know, I wish I could have done more for her though. If I had been there not a minute earlier I could have stopped it all.” Billy sighed looking down at the girl laying in his lap, unintentionally brushing the hair out of her face. He smiled over at Paul who had seen the mess they caused on the floor and was attempting to make it look better, only making the cereal collide with Tony’s pop tarts and creating more of a mess. He looked over at Billy and smiled back, he really did love him. He wanted nothing more than to shout it from the rooftops and kiss him again but problem was Billy was holding a chick in his arms, Benji and Tony were off to find another guy and he was making a food war. He shook his head, laughing silently to himself.

(Chris ;Kay ;Tony ;Benji ;Billy ;Paul) **a/n this is taking a lot outta me heh.**

“Dude, who the fuck are you?” Chris screamed seeing a strange man holding his girlfriend in his lap.

“I’m the ‘dude’ who saved your girlfriend thanks.” Billy retorted. Chris’s expression softened and he apologized.

“I’m sorry man, but this isn’t something to remain calm about.” Chris said staring at the floor kicking imaginary dirt. He reached over and grabbed her hand looking at the bruises on her arms. “Who did this.” a sudden anger flared in him

“Well, we were hoping you could tell us,” Billy frowned, looking up from Kay’s body.

“Kay said you could tell us.” Paul perked up suddenly having a voice. Chris frowned and clinched his fist.

“I think I know who it was and if I’m right then I’m seriously going to kick his ass!” Chris fumed. “ But I think I need to get Kay back to Rachel’s house.”

“Do you need help, we could give you a lift?” They all said at once. Chris clenched and unclenched his hands, Tony smiled nervously, Benji squirmed under Tony’s tightening hand grip, and Billy just set his gaze on the petite body laying in his lap. He knew someone was going to get hurt and he was going to help.

“Well, I could really use the ride, my ride wont be here till 1p.m.” Chris sighed.

“Well we’ll do anything we can,” Benji smiled down at the Kay then back up at Chris.

“Ok, well lets go to Rachel’s first and drop Kay off,” Chris’s eyebrows furrowed, fist clenching again. “This could get violent.”

benji_kins @ 2004-02-12T20:54:00

2004-02-13T02:59:44Z

Yeah yeah i hate this household..valentines day is a sorry excuse for the nothingness filling the brim oh my soul..and how come i dont get any flowers and candy.

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

blah blah blah i need a vaction.

Kay smiled as she brought the boys their food noticing two were gone and only the blondes were left, each smiling like little kids. She smiled as she laid down the exact orders.

“Can I get you a refill?” She asks no one in particular.

“Uh yeah I think I may want one.” Paul smiled up at her like she was an angel.

“OK, you want any?” She asked Tony, who was looking off into the distance a dumb smile on his face.

“Uh, no thanks, He smiled, I think ill just wait for them to get back.”

“OK.” She smiled as she walked away. “If you need anything, just yell.”

( Benji ; Billy )

Benji let go of Billy and grabbed his hand. “That’s nothing more than what I need.” Benji smiled behind choked tears.

“Well, why don’t you move in with me?” Billy wiped his eyes with his free hand.

“I’m going to live with Tony for now, but thanks for the offer you have no idea how much it means to me.” He smiled and let go of Billy’s hand.

“Well I think I’m going back out there, Benji laughed, We must have been in here for 20 minutes.” They both laughed and Benji left the room to go back to Tony and Paul. Billy sat there staring blankly into the mirror. He reached for his eyeliner and applied it with perfection. He finished and still felt like something was missing, so he pulled out his cell phone he needed to make a very important call.

( Billy )

“Uh, hello?” Billy stammered into a screaming voice.

“What the fuck do you want? I’m hung over leave me the fuck alone.” Came the reply of a very drunk Joel.

“Why the fuck did you say all that stuff to Tony and Benji, that wasn’t fair and you know it.” Billy felt a tinge of hate for Joel, and it worried him a lot, this was his best friend after all.

“What the fuck do you care?” He replied hate in his voice.

“Oh my god Joel, this is pathetic call me back when your sane, and aren’t being a asshole!” Billy clenched his teeth and hung up his phone, before Joel could embarrass himself or Billy again.

He got up off the counter and headed slowing out the door and down the walkway to the table stopping to look at the Marilyn Monroe picture. He cocked his head to the right a little and raised his eyebrow. He laughed at a inside joke from so long ago. He decided to make everyone happier by going out to the car a paying, he had the money they probably didn’t, so yeah he’ll pay for their food today. He skipped out the front door to the back where they had parked. His smiled dropped as he saw a man grab a woman by her skirt and attempted to pull it down, she was putting up a real fight though. He ran up to the guy and pushed him off her.

“Run!” Billy screamed to her, now seeing it was Kay the waitress. The guy pushed Billy and made him fall to the ground but Billy wasn’t giving up that easy. He grabbed the guys foot and tripped him, it gave him just enough time to get back up and kick the unusually large man now laying at his feet.

“Dude, get the fuck out of here before I have to embarrass you again!” Billy screamed at the man, who was already half way down the parking lot.

He ran over to Kay who was sitting next to a car sobbing uncontrollably.
“Ye-yeah, I think so.” She managed shaking from fear and embarrassment. Billy wraps his thin arms around the poor girl and comforts her.

“Its ok. I’m here now, nothings going to happen to you. I got you sweetheart.” He smiled and she wiped the tears from her face and asked if Billy would take her inside.

Perfection through these years - 12

2004-02-13T02:53:19Z

Sorry for the mix up heres chapter 12 ;x

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

“Benj?” The three cooed in unison.

“Benj, are you ok?” Paul asked a little worried seeing the puffy red cheeks and wet pillow. Benji jumps at his friends being there worried that Joel may be there too.

“What.. Huh? Yeah I’m ok. I think.” He mumbles now that he sees its only Billy and Paul.

“Benji I got worried. So I tried to call your friends. You gotta understand. I didn’t know what to do or..” Tony began but was cut off by Benji.

“No, Tony its ok thank you for bringing them. I need them, just like I need you.” Benji smiled and got up to give Tony a hug still half asleep and a little wobbly.

“Can I get you anything?” Paul pleads. Billy just stood there dumbfounded and lost for words, lost in his own world.

“Uh, yeah actually could you get me some water?” Benji asks Paul forgetting his surroundings, awoken from his embrace in Tony’s warm, loving arms.

“Ok!” Paul says enthusiastically trying to get out of the room quick.

“Billy, you wanna help?” He asks pulling Billy from a trance he hadn’t realized he’d been in.

“Oh, oh yeah.” He replies and they leave for the kitchen.

-Kitchen (Paul and Billy)-
“Hey Billy, what’s wrong?” Paul asks pulling a glass out of the pantry.

“Oh, well I just was thinking that last night I thought something was going to happen and it did. Just a little weirded out. You know?” He explains to a very confused Paul. Waking over to the sink to grab Benji’s water.

“Oh, well yeah I guess. Like déjà vu or something?”

“Uh, well yeah I guess.” But Billy thinks its more to that. What he say in his dreams were enough to make grown men cry, and a even better question. Would Joel really do that?

-Bedroom (Tony and Benji)-

“Tony, it was horrible you were there and then you were on the ground and I couldn’t save you. Oh Tony I’m so sorry but why did he have to do that to you?” Benji sobs into Tony’s chest.

“Benji, who did what to me and why were you crying? I only want to help you Benji and to do that I need you to tell me what was just going on.” Tony says laying his head on Benji’s neck.

“Tony.. He.. I don’t know what was going on and it was really scary and you.. You were on the floor and you couldn’t get up and he had you there till I did what he wanted or well he got what he wanted from me.” Benji gasped between breaths. Tony craned his neck to look at the lump that use to be the lively Benjamin Madden. ; His beauty showed even through his tears. His eyes that beautiful sparkly brown leaving a glassy stare that left his glow alive and seem to have been heightened by the tears falling slow and steady like his heartbeat.

“Pretty Benji, its ok.” He smiled looking down at him. Benji sniffed a little and looked up at Tony, he had never been this loving with him and it felt wonderful.

“Guys? Are we interrupting anything?” Billy asks from the door with Paul and Benji’s glass of water. They both looked oddly pathetic like Billy knew everything that went on and Paul was just confused as he was the minute he walked in the door.

“No, your fine.” Tony replies smiling.

“Guys, were going to the Landis‘ , you wanna come?” Tony looks at Benji silently conversing with him.

“Yeah, we’d love too.” They all smiled even the confused Paul, who had just from the tension of the room had got the idea of what was going on. Everyone could feel the pain, emotion, love and hate radiating through the room. Raw emotion.

Perfection through these years -13 and 14

2004-02-12T00:40:59Z

Wow, i have to much free time..wheeeeeeee * by the way i am getting lazy and postinf 2 at a time, because i can ;] *
xo;kaye

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

-In the car- (Paul ; Billy)

“Dude, this morning was really weird.” Paul says shaking his head and tapping on the wheel.

“Well, I think there’s something more to what were not getting out of Benji,” Billy sighed. “Well maybe we’ll get something out of them on the diner.” He smiles.

“Yeah, maybe.” Paul replies tapping again on the steering wheel.

“Well, if we can get to the diner.” Billy laughs at the annoyed look on Paul’s face.

“Yeah, well be really lucky.” Billy smiles.

He looks at Paul lust in his eyes, longing his touch. “Paul, I wanted to um ask you a question.” Billy says staring at his shoes.

“Shoot.” Paul replies but before Billy can say anything back, he kisses Paul on the lips. Short and sweet; then looks back out the window embarrassed.

“Uh, Billy why did you do that?” Paul asks Billy who has suddenly become a deaf-mute.

“I’m sorry Paul, I just couldn’t help it.” He replies sadness in his voice as he once again stares at the souls of his shoes mentally beating the shit out of himself.

“Don’t be Billy, I wanted you to do something like that for so long but I just could never ask you something like that.” Paul smiles, happiness in his voice.

“Really?” Billy smiles. His day fading from the dull gray it had been earlier to a bright blue.

“Yeah, I’m so glad you did.” Paul smiles, face gleaming like he just won the super bowl. Billy bites the bottom of his lip and slowly makes his hands way over to Paul’s on the stick shift, in twining the twos hands. Paul catches what Billy is doing an how much of a risk he was taking squeezes reassuringly.

“Its ok Billy, really its ok.” Paul smiles as they pull into the parking lot of Landis’ a sit and wait for Benji and Tony.

-In the car- (Benji ; Tony)

Tony grabbed Benji’s hand as they walked to the car. “Benji, you want to talk about earlier?” Tony smiled faintly looking at the traffic that was about to come.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He smiled back.

“Well, what do you want me to start with?” Benji smiles faintly and rubs the back of his head.

“Whatever you want, the beginning maybe?” Tony smiles staring in Benji’s deep brown eyes. “Ok.” He sighs.

“Well, it all started when I was like sleep walking. I guess I could hear something outside and I guess I woke up. I don’t know why or how but I went to see what was up well, I saw you and I ran to you but it wasn’t really you. It was Joel. It was weird because he looked just like you. You were there though. On the ground, crying and in pain. I didn’t know what to do so I ran up to you and held you in my arms I started yelling at Joel to help but he just looked at me like I was a animal on display at the zoo. He just started saying random things and I didn’t know what they were till he said something about you not moving till he said so and me going with him or you get it. I was really scared by then so I kissed you and went with him. Oh, Tony.” Benji pauses attempting to explain to his perfect other half what torment it all was and let it all ‘sink in‘.

“I really was just worried about you. You didn’t look good, so I went with him and he oh god he was going to-” He trailed off looking out the window saddly as if words couldn’t even begin to express what he was saying. Tony was really worried about him a mixed emotion of anger, sadness and helplessness. Really though? What could he do? So he let Benji finish after another pause.
“Rape me.” Benji mumbled. Tony slammed on the brakes causing the car to stop abruptly and the two to jump forward.

“What?!” Tony screams in both sadness and pure hate. Benji seemed to have joined another world, no response whatsoever.

“It was all a dream. A sick, sick dream.” Benji sighs attempting to think on his own. Tony lays his head on the steering wheel and sighs as if he has just been shot. Benji grabs his hand and entwines their fingers, rubbing his palm to help calm him. They rode to the diner in silence just holding hands and thinking things over.

-------

At the Diner-(Benji ; Tony ;Billy ; Paul)

Benji and Tony arrived about 10 minutes after Billy and Tony. They went into the diner and sat at table number 7.

“Hi!” The waitress smiled. “I’m Kay. What can I get you guys to drink?” She said reaching into her pocket grabbing for the order book.

“Uh, yeah I’ll take a diet coke.” Billy smiled back.

“Yeah, me too.” Paul replied.

“Um, I want a Dr. Pepper.” Benji half smiled.

“Two.” Tony attempted to smile but it was fake, really fake. Billy started to laugh at Benji and Tony’s expressions. Tony caught on and started to half-heartily laugh then looked at the menu off in his own world. They all looked over their menus and waited for their drinks.

Kay brought back their drinks. “Ok, diet for you too and ‘dp’ for yall.” She smiled. “Ready to order?”

“Um, yeah I am what about you?” Billy beamed.

“Yeah.” They all voiced in unison.

“OK, What can I do you for?” Kay smiled back at Billy the only one attempting to make her sucky job a little brighter.

“Well, I think I want a order of hash browns.. and mini wheat’s, and can I get a cup of water and peanut butter?” Billy blushed at his odd order.

“Of course.” Kay smiled looking at Paul who seemed to only be looking at Billy, like no one was even there.

“Huh?, oh yeah Ill take a order of toast and cornflakes.” He blushed.

“Yeah I’ll take what he got.” Benji pointed to Billy.

“I want the toast, and do you have any pop tarts?” Tony smiled at the waitress.

“Um, yeah. Blue, purple or red?” She blushed not knowing what the types of flavors were.

“Blue.” Tony laughed.

“Ok, guys I’ll be right back with your orders.” She smiled as she took off to the back to get their orders.

“I’m going to go wash my hands.” Benji grunted to no one in particular.

“I’m going too.” Billy smiled. At least he was attempting to make everyone’s day better and it made Benji feel really shitty.

“Ok, I wanted to talk to Paul anyway.” Tony smiled. Paul looked both confused and love struck. He snapped out of his trance and smiled as they walked away.

(Paul ; Tony)

“So, what’s up with you and Billy.” Tony smiled, he knew something was up.

“Well, I don’t know if he wants me to say anything.” Paul blushed, but Tony already knew something. He could see it in Paul’s eyes.

“Come on! Tell poor innocent Tony all about it.” He batted his eyelashes trying to look innocent.

“Well,” Paul began. “We were in the car and we were stuck in traffic and then out of nowhere he kissed me and I liked it. A lot” He smiled and blushed looking at the napkin holder as if it were interesting.

“I can see it.” Tony smiled. “You love him like I love Benji.”

“I think I do.” Paul blushed thinking to himself.

(Benji ; Billy

“Well, you want to talk about why we’re all here?” Billy questioned Benji shyly, looking at the oddities on the walls.

“Well, there’s a lot of reasons we’re here.” Benji replied not looking up from his glance on the floor.

“You know what I mean.” Billy sighed looking Benji square in the eyes.

“I’m your best friend and I deserve to know what all this is about!” He fumed not even attempting to notice the commotion they were causing.

“Lets get to the bathroom.” He replied in a ‘I’ll tell you if you just shut up and follow me’ kind of way.

“Ok.” Billy replied still angry but a little embarrassed at his behavior.

Benji pushes the swinging door and holds it for Billy. “Well tell me now?”
Billy asks as if needing to know.

“Ok,” Benji sighs and begins to explain the hardship of what went on in his dreams, when he finished he washed his hands with a lot of soap as if washing something away, scrubbing at something only he can see. Billy notices and tries to make it not so noticeable by washing his hands too.

“Benji, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I was just worried.” Billy sighed drying his hands on his dickies.

“I know lil’ billy, I know.” Benji wraps his hands around Billy’s arms and hugs him. Understanding each other. For just a moment.

Perfection through these years - 10 and 11

2004-02-12T00:09:38Z

My mom makes me clothes out of old boots and the lining of our old trailor. ;] ox;kaye

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

“Benj?” The three cooed in unison.

“Benj, are you ok?” Paul asked a little worried seeing the puffy red cheeks and wet pillow. Benji jumps at his friends being there worried that Joel may be there too.

“What.. Huh? Yeah I’m ok. I think.” He mumbles now that he sees its only Billy and Paul.

“Benji I got worried. So I tried to call your friends. You gotta understand. I didn’t know what to do or..” Tony began but was cut off by Benji.

“No, Tony its ok thank you for bringing them. I need them, just like I need you.” Benji smiled and got up to give Tony a hug still half asleep and a little wobbly.

“Can I get you anything?” Paul pleads. Billy just stood there dumbfounded and lost for words, lost in his own world.

“Uh, yeah actually could you get me some water?” Benji asks Paul forgetting his surroundings, awoken from his embrace in Tony’s warm, loving arms.

“Ok!” Paul says enthusiastically trying to get out of the room quick.

“Billy, you wanna help?” He asks pulling Billy from a trance he hadn’t realized he’d been in.

“Oh, oh yeah.” He replies and they leave for the kitchen.

-Kitchen (Paul and Billy)-

“Hey Billy, what’s wrong?” Paul asks pulling a glass out of the pantry.

“Oh, well I just was thinking that last night I thought something was going to happen and it did. Just a little weirded out. You know?” He explains to a very confused Paul. Waking over to the sink to grab Benji’s water.

“Oh, well yeah I guess. Like déjà vu or something?”

“Uh, well yeah I guess.” But Billy thinks its more to that. What he say in his dreams were enough to make grown men cry, and a even better question. Would Joel really do that?

-Bedroom (Tony and Benji)-

“Tony, it was horrible you were there and then you were on the ground and I couldn’t save you. Oh Tony I’m so sorry but why did he have to do that to you?” Benji sobs into Tony’s chest.

“Benji, who did what to me and why were you crying? I only want to help you Benji and to do that I need you to tell me what was just going on.” Tony says laying his head on Benji’s neck.

“Tony- He.. I don’t know what was going on and it was really scary and you.. You were on the floor and you couldn’t get up and he had you there till I did what he wanted or well he got what he wanted from me.” Benji gasped between breaths. Tony craned his neck to look at the lump that use to be the lively Benjamin Madden. ; His beauty showed even through his tears. His eyes that beautiful sparkly brown leaving a glassy stare that left his glow alive and seem to have been heightened by the tears falling slow and steady like his heartbeat.

“Pretty Benji, its ok.” He smiled looking down at him. Benji sniffed a little and looked up at Tony, he dad never been this loving with him and it felt wonderful.

“Guys? Are we interrupting anything?” Billy asks from the door with Paul and Benji’s glass of water. They both looked oddly pathetic like Billy knew everything that went on and Paul was just confused as he was the minute he walked in the door.

“No, your fine.” Tony replies smiling.

“Guys, were going to the Landis‘ , you wanna come?” Tony looks at Benji silently conversing with him.

“Yeah, we’d love too.” They all smiled even the confused Paul, who had just from the tension of the room had got the idea of what was going on. Everyone could feel the pain, emotion, love and hate radiating through the room. Raw emotion.

______________________________________________

“Benj? Benji?! WAKE UP!” Tony yells at Benji. He has been thrashing around for twenty minutes. Crying and yelling peoples names.

“Benj.. sweetie wakeup.” Tony attempts to wake up Benji again. When Benji finally makes it half way awake he burst into hysterics kicking and screaming both for Joel to go away, and Tony to save him.

“No.. no Joel! Go away please!” Benji cries as Tony pulls him into his arms and shakes him.

“Benjamin this is Tony! It was only a dream!” Benji winced at being yelled at and grabbed.

“Benji, this is Tony.” Tony tells him in his most soft voice. He relaxed in Tony’s arms but still was panting, wheezing and slightly sobbing.

“Oh, Tony!” He moaned as if it hurt and threw his head into Tony’s warm embrace. Laying his head on Tony’s chest .

“Benji, I’m here your save now, I promise.” Tony comforts him and kisses the top of his head. Benji winces it his touch so he begins to sing the words to Benji’s favorite song, Jaded (a/n lol these years). Tony waited till Benji had stopped crying and calmed down and laid Benji down on the bed. Then kisses him on the head and pulls the covers up to Benji’s chin and went to the living room to call Billy and Paul.

“Hello?” A confused, groggy voice answers.

“Billy? This is Tony. Benji he’s.. He’s really scaring me dude I don’t know what to do.” Tony tries to explain to Billy what’s going on with Benji but words don’t even begin to explain it all.

“Dude, is he ok?” Billy asks suddenly alarmingly awake.

“I don’t know I got him to go back to sleep but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.” Tony sulks. “Billy, is Paul there?”

“Yeah he’s here you want us to come over there?” “

“Yes, please as soon as you can.”

“Want us to call Joel?” Billy asks.

“NO.” Tony says flatly and as cold as he can.

“Ok, we’ll be there in about twenty minutes okay?”

“Ok, but Billy hurry ok? Just hurry.” Tony says right before he hangs up.

“They’ll be here in a few and everything will be ok.” Tony comforts himself aloud, much less hoping for benji’s sake.

-About 25 minutes later-

Tony walks into the back bedroom to check on Benji still looking a little lost but thankfully he’s calm and resting peacefully. Not wanting to wake him up tony creeps back into the living room to wait for Billy and Paul. Tony looks up at the clock. 7:54am. Waiting just waiting. Everyone still asleep. Quiet, almost wonderful.
Billy and Paul bust in looking like street urchins with sheer terror on there faces.

“What’s wrong is he ok?” Paul asks in one quick breath, panting like he just took the stairs.

“Yeah, he’s ok but the way he was screaming was just.. Oh guys its hard to explain.” Tony tries to reason to the guys.

“Why didn’t you want me to call Joel?” Billy asks bluntly.

“Billy, he was the reason.. He was hurting Benji in his dreams. He was screaming for Joel to stop and, I don’t know what the thing was but it would like bringing your worst nightmare to life. And right after something like that I don’t think he could take it.” Tony attempts to explain blunt yes, but however was there to explain something like that?

“Oh.” Billy’s face softens a little seeming worried about everything. Paul stood an even stone solemn in his face daring in his advance.

“Can we see him?” He asks as if it were the last time he could see one of his best friends.

“Yeah, maybe we should wake him up.” Tony says while leading Billy and Paul to the bed room where Benji was laying still. Breathing deep and slow.

Perfection through these years -9

2004-02-11T12:49:29Z

Thanks, so much for reviewing guys i got writers block so im reposting everything..maybe even to the point someone can read it! i could use a beta but i dunno where to find one ;x oh well.

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up

No, no, no I repeat over and over in my head. This is JOEL, the reasonable one. I was suppose to love him and he loved me and now he’s going to steal me. Steal my soul. Steal something not yesterday I would have given him without remorse.

It all seems so surreal.

I look up at Joel who had no emotion on his face which scares me more than the deathly smiles. I look around at the room where I lay on the bed hands on my face waiting for Joel to get done tormenting me with his painful dominant words.

“Bitch, you are mine now, you got it?” He says coldly, grabbing my jaw hard enough to bruise it. I moan under the pressure on my jaw.

“Answer me!” He barks at me.

“Yes.” I say coldly.

“Yes sir.” He spits.

“YES SIR.”I yell in a mixed emotion of aggravation and fear.;

“Get up.” He says coolly. like nothing happened. I stand and he pushes me on the bed climbing on top of me, grabbing something from his back pocket. I cant see what it is to well because I closed my eyes shut. Tight. Trying to block it all out. I feel him grab my hands being pulled up and restrained to the bed post with something cold and strange.

Handcuffs.

“Oh my god Joel, what are you doing?! “ I scream in discomfort, attempting to get out, my feeble attempts useless.

“Benj, just stop. We both know you cant get out.” He says as if sentencing me to death in a mock tone, so calm its disturbing. Like the voice you would use to ask to pass the salt.

“Why Joel why?!” I ask my eyes pleading no but he ignores it. He reaches over to the side table drawer as if sealing my fate and pulls out ..scissors. He tares and rips up my clothes leaving me cold, naked, exposed. His cold hands snake up my uncovered chest exploring my every curve. The only thing I could do is cry. Cry for me. Cry for Tony. Just cry.

This is i think the shortest chapter. neat.

perfection through these years - 8

2004-02-11T01:40:27Z

This is becomming quite the chore, ill be glad when im done! ;/

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

We reached Tony’s apartment number 696 in the Grand Martinet Highland apartments. I look out the windows and see the view of people on the street beautiful people, beautiful apartments just plain beautiful.

“Wow, beautiful isn’t it?” I say a little more womanish that I planned.

“Yeah, you are!” He says smiling and we both start laughing because that indeed was the corniest thing either of us had ever heard.

“Yeah, but its true!” He says smiling that Tony smirk kissing me soft, not a regular Tony kiss but a passionate one with only the slightest bit of tongue.

“I mean look at you!” He says smiling after we break apart.

“Yeah, look at me a tattooed pierced chunky weirdo!” I say smiling at how he was looking at me.

“Tattooed and pierced, just the way I like it!” He said smiling and laughing.

“Ok, I’m going to go to the back bedroom and put my clothes up.” I say smiling to myself.

“Ok, don’t take to long I may have withdraws!” He said laughing at his own quirkiness.

“Promise!” I say. I cant help but just smile and laugh when I’m with Tony even though what we’ve been through tonight he just makes me so damn happy.

“Heya, benji!” He says smiling wrapping his hands around my waist, pulling me into a deep kiss. “Kisses for Benji!” He says in a sing-song type voice.

“Tony, I’M tired.” I say yawning slightly and kissing him on the cheek.

“Me, too.” He says pulling away from my waste and pulling my belt loops to get me to go to bed with him.

“Ok, ok I’m on my way!” I laugh while Tony is pulling my pants down so I’m left in only my boxers as we approach the bedroom and lay on the bed he wraps his arms around my waist kissing me lightly before falling into a deep sleep. I hear him breathing slow and steady now as I drift of into my own sleep smiling that because I thought under the circumstances we’ve been through in the last six hours I thought it could only get better.. God I was so wrong, so wrong.

-Benji’s Dream-

I can hear a faint voice somewhere as I get up from the bedroom and go into the living room in a house I font quite remember.

“Whoa, where the fuck am I at?” I see someone, someone with blonde hair.

“Tony?!” I ask running up to him wrapping me hands around his waist, this wasn’t Tony no, this person is so cold so I cant even begin to understand I take my hands away feeling quite uncomfortable from the silence when I see the lump on the ground and it looks a awful lot like Tony.

“Who the fuck are you?!” I ask suspiciously. I can tell the fear in my own voice. How pathetic.

“Oh poor Benjamin cant even pick out the sound of his twin brothers voice.”

Comes a cold, calm, eerie voice. This voice claims to be my brother, my flesh and blood. But it cant be this isn’t even human.

I look again at the lump on the floor barely making breaths between the sobs that escape it every so often.

“Tony?” I whisper not wanting to believe it.

“TONY!” I scream running to my lovers side in attempts to .. help him, I don’t know just make it all better. Like the motherly feeling you get when you see someone hurt. I looked him over while lightly pulling his head into my lap, his body so bruised, it tore me apart. What kind of animal could do this to another human being?.

“Benji..” Was all he could mumble before sobbing into my lap. I tried so hard to get him up but my attempts were useless.

“Benjamin, don’t be stupid he’s stuck there till I say he can move, and I’m not sure how long this is going to take.” He says smiling a sick smile that makes me want to throw up.

“What do you mean? Why the fuck is he chained to the damn floor like a animal? Joel, Joel answer me!” I scream in panic for Tony and what was soon to be my fate.

“Get up.” He spat. Tony tries again to regain his balance but is betrayed by his body, being Tony he had to try one more time. So he tried again only to be betrayed once more by his weakened body. It hurt me so much to see him like this, but there was nothing I could do about it right now.

"Make him stop if you know what’s best for the both of you." He said smirking, almost.

"Tony.." I plead softly stroking his hair.

“Just do it okay?" Letting my eyes do the pleading kissing him softly on the forehead.

"See, that’s what’s got me big bro." He says becoming alarmingly red, the pistol in his hand shaking involuntarily.

"This is why I'm doing this I cant believe you would take him that worthless piece of shit over me! What does he have that I don’t? I'm an exact replica of you! Why cant I be good enough?!" He screams at me, not even with the sick smile across his face, but the look of a mad man, the look of a murderer.

I lay Tony's head softly on the ground before standing up to my brother, almost the same height but I have just the advantage over him. I glare at him having to hold a pistol for me to want him when not two days ago I wanted him so bad that i ached inside.

"Joel, if I come with you do you promise me Tony will be ok?" I ask firm but not as to further piss him off, I’m not that stupid.

"I promise." He said more calmly than I’ve seen him all night. Even when he’s the maddest, angriest person in the world, he'll never break a promise, especially to me.

I look at Tony one more time and see his innocence, something I’ve never seen in him. His need for me and i can feel my need for him radiating right back to him. Joel catches it to so he grabs my arm and we head to what seems to be the bedroom I just walked out of. No, No this isn’t happening my brother was planning on raping me in the bed me and Tony just woke from. Oh shit What the fuck am I going to do?!

perfection through the years - 7

2004-02-11T01:34:06Z

Im beginning to loose site of my goals in this story, everyone makes me so sad..

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

Somewhere around two a.m. Joel came fumbling into the house, falling and screaming loud enough to wake the neighbors.

I can't believe he does this kind of stuff (even though he knows I don't drink anymore) because I hit him one time.

And now he's sitting here on the ground, fallen, and I can't resist the urge to help him up. Even though I was now beginning to hate him (or what he was becoming at least), truth-be-told, I'm still in love with him. I told myself that I would try to give my whole life to Tony and forget Joel, let him live life as he wishes. If it hadn't been for my friends, I probably would have just left him sitting there, left the band, left life in Waldorf, Maryland forever.

"Benji, get down here and pick my ass up," Joel says, not giving me an option.

"Gee, thanks for genuine respect, JOEL," I say, being a total ass and realizing that I *am* lowering myself to his level.

"Where's your 'fuck' buddy?" he says coldly, emphasizing "fuck" with disgust and no bit of remorse about mine or Tony's feelings whatsoever. "I can't believe my own twin would do something like fuck another guy. It's just SICK!"

I can feel the anger, and I don't voluntarily move, but all of the sudden I'm hurling myself at Joel with such force that it is scary. "Joel, how could you?!" I scream between all of the grunts and pain each of us was giving off.

"You fag! Get away from me!" he says with disgust, and then I stop suddenly and just fall over. Hearing him say 'fag' as if he were spitting on me, ruining me, and he knew he did it.

Tony had come in to attempt breaking us apart, but when he heard the cruel and unusual thing my twin brother said, he knew that I was hurt.*

"Joel...why d-d-do you really not want me around?" Tony says, not going to cry even if it kills him. All Joel can do is shake his head and look at his shoes. "Benj...I have...I have to go. Maybe it's best if I don't come around anymore. I am in shock; my boyfriend just told me he wasn't coming around anymore, and my brother just called me a faggot...

I'm so alone.

Tony walks back into the room and grabs his clothes and shoes, asking me to take him home. "Ben, does he really hate me that much just for...just for being me?"

What can I say to that? Really, what can I say? "Tony, I think he's just drunk. At least, that's what I hope." He smiles weakly as we pull up in the parking garage of Tony's apartment building.

There is an awkward silence all the way to his apartment. "Benj, you wanna stay here tonight?" Tony asks me, his eyes pleading with me because of the night's mishaps, and I know Tony. He hates being alone, especially after what happened that one night in the parking garage of his other apartment.

-flashback-
** "Hey, what’s going on?" a strange man with a weird scar on his left arm asked Tony like *he'd known* him forever.

"Um...hey, do I know you?" Tony asked kinda *fidgety* because he was in a dark parking garage.

"No, which makes this so much easier." He smiled a sick smile, the one that makes you want to vomit. Tony's eyes widen as he realizes what's about to happen. He starts to run, but the other man is faster, and all of the sudden he's on the ground. He hears the man say, "This is going to hurt...alot." Laughing a horrible blood curdling laugh that makes Tony wince.

Then it all went black. Nothing but black.

Tony woke up, face contorting in agony, attempting to scream, but not making any noise.

He could see he had bruises all over his body. The only thing he could do right now was sit up, so he did, only to be smacked in the face by his attacker. He moaned because that was all battered body could do. "Hurt, bitch, didn't it?" he said, almost enjoying Tony's innocent face shocked and hurt. "Your not as good as I thought." Tony had begun to cry, and it made his attacker even more proud of what he'd done. "Well, this has been fun, bitch, but I'm leaving. I'll see you soon!" he said, half promising, half threatening him. Then he took off with what Tony thought was his last bit of dignity. He mustered up the energy to get his pants on and tried to get out of the car he didn't remember getting into.
The only thing he could think of was how much it hurt so he couldn’t help himself, he went into a screaming, sobbing fit.

"Benji...Bennnnnnnjiiiiiiiiiiiiii?!" And that's how I found his downtrodden,
beaten body. We haven't separated since. **

"Yeah, actually. I may stay a few nights. Is that ok?" I ask him shyly.

"You know it is. Stay as long as you want!" He *smiles*.

At least I made him smile for a minute, I think to myself, and a childish grin comes across my face because I just realised that I'm staying at Tony's till we think i need to go home. And that could be years.

Perfection through these years -6

2004-02-11T01:22:08Z

Eh those people dont like me much x[ and i didnt even do anything ;[

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

By the time me and Tony had gotten home we had become uh lets just say ‘hot and bothered.’ “Tony, we need to get home, FAST.” I tell him grabbing towards his too growing erection.

“Oh, Benj.. goddamn traffic.” He said half moaning half muttering to himself in the cutest way I’ve ever seen. We got home roughly around ten, ten-thirty somewhere around there, my favorite time of night, when moms put there kids to bed, everything goes quiet, the lights go out and the youth thrive.

We had barely made it to the door before had his hands found there way down my pants, fiddling and messing around with my belt buckle finally getting it off.

“Benj, Oh baby, I need you, I want you, I love you!” He says all in one breath finally stopping to breath and to get our shirts off (which took about .2 seconds because this is Tony were talking about.)

My beautiful Tony. Then he rammed his tongue back down my throat exploring every inch of it, which it knew, oh so well. Picking me up never breaking our kiss, he carries me to my bed and crawls on top of me. Dominance, Tony’s only was of doing anything. I don’t know why but he’s good at it (and he knows it too.)

Tony quickly, but seductively removes our pants and boxers with expertise a devilish grin on his face. I look at the Cloths in a pile on the floor and smile this is so normal, so wonderful.

Tony began to playfully tug and pull on my erection, which he could tell was becoming painful, smiling the entire time.

“Fuck benj, happy to see me?” He says smiling his seductive sexy smile that melts hearts.

“Tony, no more talking just fuck me NOW.” I beg eyes shut and grab his erection that was obviously painful and dripping with pre-cum pulling it, grasping it just to his liking, he lets out a moan of pleasure that was it, I needed him. NOW. I felt around the side table drawer trying to find the lotion, he pushes me over and sticks his mouth on my painful erection as I moan the most intense moan I ever had.

“Oh FUCK Tony, your AMAZING!” I say as he works his mouth the exact way I like. I was so turned on I got lost in the moment and began to fuck his mouth slow, his moans sending me into complete ecstasy with every vibration.

I poured the lotion into my hands and knocked the bottle over, not bothering to pick it back up, slowly beginning to work Tony’s erection. I could tell from his moaning I was doing a good job. He grabbed the bottle off the floor, kissing me again, he lubed up his fingers, and reached around to the small of my back felling around, reaching one finger inside of me pausing for me to get comfortable and then he added one more and then another till finally he had me stretched out enough so he could fit.

He finally had himself lubed up enough to were he turned me around grabbed my hips and began to push into me. Knowing it hurt he pulled back out and then pushed back in fast and hard just the way I like it, continuing till I can feel the bruises growing in the regular spot that Tony has claimed his own. He slowly and seductively nips at the nape of my neck. He slows down a little bit Grunting and moaning aloud along with me. He reaches around to my erection and starts to jerk me off slow till I beg him to hurry.

"Godammit Tony hurry the fuck up!" I scream in a mix of agony and ecstasy. We both would be coming soon. I can feel it. My hips begin to buck as I went into one of the greatest most violent orgasms of my life, I could feel Tony thrusting with everything he could in till I felt him orgasm with me. I could see my release all over him and the bed, I felt his warm seed in me as we both moaned each others names and we stayed like that for awhile till collapsing on the bed.

I laid my head on his chest and said “Tony I missed you so much!”

“Me too benj, me too.” We said smiling at each other, We fell asleep just like that purely, lovingly and beautifully just as it should be.

Perfection through these years 4 and 5

2004-02-11T01:04:28Z

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary- Benji loves Tony and Joel but will Joel say and do something to change it all? and is Benji strong enough to choose between lust and blood?
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

Chapter 4

I stood there dumbstruck thinking. Till finely, the door opened and it was no other than my, yes MY beautiful Tony. In a my favorite pair of Dickies’ and a tee shirt. I smile to myself. Guess what the label was? Made. Me and Joel’s label. We wanted for so long and we finally had it. I couldn’t help but feel Joel in Tony if you know what I mean shit, if we weren’t here for Joel, my ass would have my tongue rammed down his throat, but with Tony no one can help but feel that way. I’m lucky to have him, but fuck look at Joel who could resist? Sick I know, but something just something about him catches me and leaves me breathless.

“Joely!” He ran up to you before me, wow, that kinda hurt, you stood there oddly as he hugged you. With the funniest look on your face you stammer,

“Um, he.. Hello Tony.”

“I feel so unloved.” I say with the best pouty look I can manage without cracking up.

“Awe, my beautiful benji-kins is lonesome?, Not with Tony around!.” He says in a childish voice that makes me want to fall over from the cheesiness or the hug that brought me to the floor.

“Geez, Tony your gunna kill him!” Joel says laughing. Hey at least he’s smiling and laughing, after this morning I was beginning to think maybe he wouldn’t smile for forever. I just couldn’t let that happen.

“Well, I think I’m going to leave the ’happy couple’ alone.” Joel says with a tad bit of sarcasm that Tony catches and I can see it made him a little uncomfortable.

“Nope, Joely your stuck with us all day!” Tony says choosing to ignore Joels sarcasm, Joel sighs at this. “Wonderful.’ he pouts behind smiles.

“So, were are the retards are off to?” Tony says laughing because he thought he was funny.

“Uh.. Kc's Tavern, Stuarts or Townhouse?” I ask giving us some options.

‘Joel?” Tony asks with a look of concern. “Where to?”

“Yeah, Stuart's is good. I wanted to go get out anyways.”

“Alright!” Tony says with his bright shiny face back. That infectious smile loose once more to torment the world and it was mine all mine.

A/N - i am reposting all the stories i had up on fandom, because people cant check back copies so yeah <3

Chapter 5

* At Stuarts *
“Tony!” Me and Joel scream in unison trying to find him, he took off like a little kid in a candy store.

“Benj, look it’s the cds I wanted to buy!” He said screaming like its Christmas and he’s about 4 years old, it makes me smile.

“OoOo Mommy will you buy me these?” He says with a pleading smile.

“I left all Tony’s money at home.” He says looking sad because he knows I cant turn him down when he does that.

“Ok, I will if you stop that third person thing, its weird!” I laugh.

“Okay!” he says smiling.

“What am I buying?, nothing with cuss words right?, Don’t want you corrupted just yet.” I laugh and realize Joels nowhere in site.
I pay for Tony’s new cds and search through them, hmm good selection. Saves the day, Atreyu, and a Good Charlotte cd.

“Hey, Tony about that Good charlotte cd I know this guy, who knows a guy in the band. I could get you the cd.. SIGNED!” I scream like a 10-year old girl.

"Wow, I wanna meet that one guy who knows that one guy.” He says laughing and shaking his head.

* 10 minutes later *

“Jooooooooel.” We yell threw the crowded store.

“I’m right here Benjamin!” I eye him suspiciously because he never uses.. ‘The’ name.

“What the hell are ..” I pause mid sentence to see him with a girl. A sudden flame of jealousy ignites in me.

“Benj, Tone, this is Kas.” Joel says slurring a bit.

I look at this ’Kas’ girl. Trailer trash if I've ever seen any . She’s so sad looking with dyed blonde hair, short shorts and I guess what you would say is a ' tank top'.

"Hey there Kas, I’m Tony.” Tony says a hint of attraction in his voice. I just stand there dumbfounded. BOTH of my loves crumbling over something so trashy who will be part of there lives maybe a day if that. This is so not suppose to bother me. I mumble a hello and say something about needing to use the restroom.

I make my way there rushing not wanting to talk to anyone I knew just then. I made it to the stalls without conversation thank god, but surprisingly I didn’t break out in tears nope, nothing just set there a dull numb staring at the tiles on the bathroom floor. About 20 minutes later I hear Tony.

"Benjamin Levi Madden, Where the hell are you?"

"Who the hell do you think you are, saying that NAME." I yell at him little meaner than I meant for it to be.

"YOUR boyfriend ok?" He says I can tell he’s a little hurt and that makes me a little happy.

"Sorry, I just I don’t understand, why Joel would lower himself for some re-bound action I guess." Answering my own question but not quite sure I liked my answer.

"Anyways, wanna go back to my house and leave 'the happy couple' ." Doting Joel’s sarcasm from earlier.

"Don’t be that way with me? I didn’t deserve that, but yes Tony would love to go to his benji-kins house!" He says smiling again which made me a little happier.

"Ok then, lets leave his ass here. He can walk home!" I smiled at that thought.

"Ok, I’ll tell him to get a ride home, meet you in the car."

Then Tony bounded off to Joel to tell him to get his own ride home. Hah, I hope he has to stay there. I smile to myself, and go to warm up the car.

Pefection through these years -3

2004-02-10T13:08:09Z

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary-
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

I wake up little confused and disoriented, not knowing where I am. Then, I see you there and its me holding you. I cant help smiling in spite of myself. You may not think so but this.. Wow this is nothing short of beautiful. I can feel your beauty, your soft skin. But then reality kicks in and I realize I cant have you. It all sets in again the pain, the angst, the lust I have for you. But stealing it would, no I never could steal your love from you. I need you to give it to me, I need you to crave my being as I crave yours. I wish to empower you like your empowerment has over me. To see those eyes shine up and smile to me for me. That would be sacred in a most pleasant way. Words could not even begin to describe what I feel or how I wish you to feel of me. Yet sadly, your heartbroken which leaves me heartbroken.

I get up and decide you and I could use some food right about now. I clean up all the dishes and waffle iron used. That would be a horribly painful reminder of the hours past. Before calling Tony my boyfriend, and heading over to McDonald’s.

“Tone, its Benj I need to talk to you please pick up?” I plead because I need to see you. After being with Joel all morning left me a little how do you say.. Pleased yes, pleased.
I finally give up on calling him and sure enough pure 'toneyment' makes him call me back, every time.

“Benji, I’m so sorry babe I couldn’t find my damn cell phone. So what’s up?” He manages in one breath.

“Tiff, broke Joel’s heart this morning. He’s still in bed, and I was wondering if maybe you could come over later and we could cheer him up, and then maybe have some fun of our own?” I can ‘see’ him smirking and it makes me grin.

“Anything for my benji-kins.” He says with a laugh. That infectious Lovato laugh no one male or female can resist.

“Okay, be there in about 30 minutes.” He said with a click. Perfect, just enough time to get Joel up and force feed him. I laugh to myself this is going to be funny.

* 15-20 minutes later *

“Joel, Where are you?!” I ask seeing he’s not in bed anymore.

“Benj that you?” He asks a little surprised.

“No, it’s the godamned tooth fairy.” I laugh at myself, that was seriously corny.

“Where are you?”

“Bath.” he says.

“Got you some food, ok?”

“Yeah, I'll be right out.”

“Tony will be here inna few.” I say taking our food out of the bag.

Then it hits me. The stuff I’ve been blocking out . Tony my boyfriend was coming over, and I had a crush on my brother the 'whatifs' start to get to me again. What if I say Joel and not Tony, what will happen? Will Joel hear will Tony leave me? Oh god if Tony left me my soul the part I longed for, the lust for living it would all be gone .. But could I choose between lust and blood?

Perfection through these years - 2

2004-02-10T03:59:26Z

When I woke up you weren’t there I rub my eyes and look around as if you were going to pop up when I finally grasp your not in here I go looking for you I can smell bacon and waffles and wow they smell awesome! You always knew they were my favorite. I’m wondering what the occasion is because we usually just head to Mickey d’s if we even are awake by then.

“Joel?, dude where are you?”

“In here,” he replies as if something wrong or maybe he’s a little sad, I don’t know.

“Be right there, gotta take Cash out!” I reply a little louder than expected. As I let Cash out I can here you mumbling to yourself so I decide to go in there and see what’s up.

“S’wrong?” I manage now seeing that he’s crying and I don’t know why, now being the big brother, I always feel the need to know what’s wrong and how I can fix it at all times. The instinct is heightened since were twins.

“Joel, what’s wrong?!” Benji’s head rest on his shoulder.

“Benj ..oh Benji.” he says “She’s gone forever and I don’t think I can take it.” he says trailing off at the end.

“Who is, and why?” I ask even though I already know its his girlfriend or shall we say ex-girlfriend Tiffany.

“It’s .. its Tiff, she called me about ten minutes ago and I was going to call her and make her breakfast and everything.” he sobbed.

“Oh, Joel.” is all I can manage to say as I walk over to him and hug him tender as if a child, scared that he may break because at this moment anything’s possible, then I realize between your sobs of anguish and of being betrayed your singing, infact your singing our song. Little things, one of our first songs and one of my personal favorites.

I don’t know what to do so I chime in a sing low just like you are. Secretly, I’m loving this and it pisses me off. God benji, this is pathetic your brothers in your arms crying about the loss of someone he loved and your enjoying it you fucking prick. Prick, all I can say about myself why do I have to be a fucking prick? You finally stopped crying so I carefully glide you to our bedroom and lay you down disgusted with myself, I begin to walk away.

“Benji .. Benji please don’t go?” you ask in the sweetest voice that you know I cant turn down.

“Alright, I wont.” and then go sit in the chair on ‘my side’ of the room.

“Benji I know it’s a little weird but, will you lay down with me like we use to?”

“If you need me to Joel I‘d go to the moon for you.”

“Just hold me benj, just hold me.” And I did till your breathing slowed and deepen I try to even out our breathing to be closer to you. Then, I realize your asleep, asleep in my arms and I fall asleep to so maybe we could be together in my dreams.. Just maybe.

Perfection through these years

2004-02-10T03:56:46Z

Title- Perfection through these years
Author- benji-kins
Pairing- Tony/Benji ; Paul/Billy ; hints at others
Summary-
Dedication- This is to all of you who read my story, i love you all. ;]
Disclaimor-This is not true, i made it up.

-To all who havent figured it out, im reposting the entire story.
Thanks for reading.-

Look at him.. Pure perfection I’m so damn jealous because he’s the twin I long to be like, perfect. He’s the one which I would let the whole world collapse to be in my arms at night. Wow, I’ve never opened up to you as I am know from fear that maybe Joel, the perfect innocent love of my life, would read you and discover my secret. I wouldn’t live long enough to see another day. If.. If he read you and rejected me that’s just a thought I’d rather not go into, so, diary, journal, fucking note keeper! -- What do I do?

People say the window to a persons soul is their eyes. I don’t think the meaning of that verse meant to anyone what it means to me. Your beautiful aburnish eyes with the most beautiful orange tint reflecting mine our, OUR beautiful eyes. Meant to be one person, yet something or someone had made it so that we were two halves of one beautiful creature. You, wow, you were the beautiful. Me? Nothing but a tattooed, pierced freak of nature compared to you ..I mean look at you. I am nothing compared to your elegant skin I for so long have secretly begged to touch, to feel, to caress, But, I know you shall never feel me as I feel you and oh god it hurts, It hurts to be in your presence but this wonderful its like this feeling of exquisite pain I cant escape. You are there not three feet away from me yet so far away. I wish to go to you and you would smile that crooked smile sleeping so peaceful making the slightest noises as I move in to hear you ever so quietly moaning much less grunting the words the words I’ve been waiting for, for so damn long. “Benji ..oh god.” He woke up. I’ve been listening to him dream. Staring at his beautiful features, the little things like the way his eyelashes curl every so lightly and his lips pout a little more than mine when he sleeps . By now he’s gotten up while I pretended to be asleep and I doubt he believed me but what am I suppose to tell him? Yeah, that’s what I thought, no answer. Joel was back now and I rolled over to look at his perfection once more before falling into a peaceful lullaby dream of Joel and me as meant to be and only as one.